Girls in the Bathroom

Let's talk bathroom.

Girl bathroom.

Girl bathroom with only 3 stalls, bathroom.

So here is the thing; There is only 1 bathroom with 3 stalls at the place I work. 80% of the time you can do your business and leave without encountering anyone. It is the other 20% of the time that I would like to focus on today.

I present to you a list of ways to avoid awkward small bathroom situations:

Situation 1: The Double entrance I am a firm believer in personal space and the respect that goes along with it. For instance, If I am walking towards the bathroom and see another woman approaching the door, I quickly state that I forgot something and make a 180 in the other direction. I then linger around the bathroom zone pretending to be looking at things until the other woman emerges. She nods at me, I nod back. We both know what happened but there is no need to talk about. We just shared the bathroom bond. We will always have that connection.

Situation 2: Entering when someone else is already in If you hear a flush upon arrival, you are in safe water. That person is going to wash their hands (hopefully) and be out before it's your time to shine. Carry-on. If, however, the other person is still in a stall by the time you are aptly situated in your stall, you need to move as quickly as possible and get out of there so the other woman can finish her business in peace. This is especially true if there is dead silence in the bathroom. The other woman is secretly loathing your existence from the other stall and is repeatedly telling you to "get out" in her head. The moment she hears your toilet flush, a huge feeling of relief will come over her. Good job. You have successfully left the bathroom without revealing neither your nor her identity.

Situation 3: Someone enters when you are in the stall Do not panic! There are 2 options for this. (1) The flush and run and (2) The Sit and Wait Approach.

The Flush and Run is your best option. As soon as you hear the other woman close the stall door, flush and then speed-walk to the sink to wash your hands. Don't bother drying them, you have clothes for that. Run out as quickly as possible.

Sometimes the Flush and Run is not an option. That is when the Sit and Wait Approach comes in handy.
The Sit and Wait Approach is exactly as it sounds. You sit and wait for that person to leave. If you feel silly doing that you can either (a) play with the toilet paper roll as loudly as possibly as to distract that person from realizing you have been sitting there for a while. They will clearly just think that you have a defective roll and it is taking you a while to get the allotted amount of toilet paper needed or (b) play with the feminine hygiene box (please use toilet paper as a buffer between your fingers and the lid). This is my personal favorite. I like to open the box (as loudly as possible so the other woman can hear my noise and think "Oh! She is on her period. No wonder she has been in here for a while. That is not weird at all." Extra bonus if you alternate between the box and the toilet paper roll. This buys you more time. Given, the other woman won't know what the hell you're doing but you will feel much better about yourself while creating some hypothetical situation as to why you would be doing what you are doing.

Now that you know the proper small bathroom etiquette, please use it accordingly. Women everywhere will be grateful for the avoidance of the awkward hand wash at the sink in which no one ever knows what to say. All will be at peace.

a new year, a new resolution to break.

In effort to shut up my ever-so-prevalent subconscious, I have decided to set a realistic resolution for the new year.  I'm pretty sure if I don't follow through with my goal this year, my subconscious will tell me it's going out for ice cream and never come back. This year, in effort to make my life nothing like it currently is, I have decided to set 12 different goals to accomplish each month. I've tried the whole "1 thing" resolution before..."Go on a date", "don't have something emerging from your teeth at least once a week", "don't laugh to fill silent voids after someone tells you something personal and serious"...it never works. It never works because I don't have a deadline! Like, am I supposed to begin with my goal starting Jan 1st and continue all the way through death? That is a lot of pressure! What if I fail? Then what? My simple new year's resolution becomes a snarling beast that eats at my self worth reminding me that I can never follow through with anything. That is too much to face at the beginning of every year. No wonder my year always starts off with panic.  NOT THIS YEAR, BEAST! I will create an opera-singing mob not unlike the one in Beauty and the Beast to crush you!!! I will accomplish my goal this year because i have a realistic time frame and 12 chances to prove to myself that i am worthy of setting and following through with goals! 2012 is my year. Not yours. I plan to keep it that way.