Commitment Issues: The Tattoo Edition

I honestly can't believe that I got a tattoo. I've been saying I'd be doing it for a very long time but now it has happened. Unlike most people I've talked to about their experiences getting a tattoo, I was not 100% positive I wanted one. In fact, the thought freaked me out even as I was sitting in the chair nervous talking about anything and everything to the tattoo artist. I mean, the thing is forever! Before we move on, let's back up for a minute and really soak in the fact that I got a tattoo. I, Anna Reese, the girl who will always choose a pencil over a pen, got a permanent, forever, no-going-back tattoo. Y'all. This is huge. 

For me, the process of getting the tattoo was significantly more meaningful than the design that I got. Luckily, I have been fascinated with compasses and maps since grade school (who says grade school? Me, apparently.) and they hold deep meaning to me so it turned out to be a win/win. Why was the process more important? Let me list the reasons I came up with for getting my tattoo to help you understand my (twisted) psyche:

(actual list constructed by yours truly)

1. Commitment issues

2. learning to live with imperfections

3. Mistakes don't define or change who I am

4. I can rebel

5. I can surprise myself

6. I can surprise others

7. I don't need permission

8. Once it is over and done, life goes on

I know what you are thinking (I usually hate to say that phrase because no one ever really knows what a person is truly thinking) and I don't blame you. "Anna, you way over think things." To which I respond, "Yes. Yes I do." That's another reason why I did this without being 100% positive about it. I wanted it. I wanted it pretty bad. But there is always that doubt that likes to linger around and make me question things. I didn't give that doubt a chance this time. Sometimes acting on impulse is good. SOMETIMES.

The main reason why I got the tattoo, however, does not make the list because it is the list in its' entirety (just go with it) and that reason is that sometimes we take life way too seriously. We do. We need to stop being so damn hard on ourselves. Imperfections are beautiful and life goes on. That is what this process has taught me. So even though I am already finding the imperfections in my tattoo (life of a perfectionist, can I hear an "amen"?) I'm going to be just fine. Life is a journey and journeys are always more rewarding when you successfully overcome obstacles you never thought you could. 

Time to get real.

In the past, I have always written down my thoughts and feelings as though someone else would be reading them or like they were the inner dialogue to a character in a movie. They had to be interesting, funny, depressing…I couldn’t just feel. I think this says a lot about me as a person. I need to feel important; like I matter. If my story isn’t interesting, then who wants to hear it? Boring is bad. We should strive to be different. Everyone roots for the underdog or less fortunate. No one cares about the normal. I, Anna Reese, view myself as painfully normal.

The first time I ever had a panic attack I was in the 2^nd grade and had never been introduced to mental illness. My mom, brother, and I were watching “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” when I started feeling like something was wrong – I mean, besides the fact that Disney made a movie about a woman shacking up with seven men while her evil step mother tried to poison her with an innocent fruit. The feeling came suddenly and it was real. I was CERTAIN that I was dying. My end had come. In true Anna fashion, I became dramatic. I ran outside with tears streaming down my face and shaking my hands to the point of pain. My mom followed me outside to see what was going on. Pacing back and forth and with all sincerity I said to her “mom, call the priest. I am dying. He needs to be here now. I CAN’T go to hell. I need to make things right.”  This was the first of countless panic attacks that would soon dominate my life.

I hate to admit it but sometimes (a lot of times) I envy people who had a rough childhood or overcame the odds. In my mind, their feelings are justified. They are interesting, inspiring individuals that give you hope and prove that you can overcome any obstacle. The biggest obstacle that I have overcome is living with my anxiety and OCD. Poor Anna, right? One of the many of Americans who have to turn to medication because life is just too hard. My loving family, amazing job, supportive friends, abundance of food, and opportunities to do things most people never get the chance to do just aren’t enough. I need more and I that really eats at me. I should always be happy. 

Although deep down I know my anxiety/OCD is valid and something that I have struggled with for a long time, I can’t help but beat myself up sometimes for allowing it to affect me - like I can control it or just choose for it to go away. (Note for friends of friends with mental illnesses, the worst advice you can ever give someone who is having a panic attack is “just stop.” Don’t you think if we could, we would?) When I was younger, I never viewed my condition as bad. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it sucked and it wasn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy but I accepted it. It was something that came with being “Anna” and I dealt with it. As I grew older, my view toward my condition changed.

In high school I started hating myself for having mental illnesses rather than dealing with it. I tried to change myself many times in hopes of changing my mind. I was what I like to call a “phaser”. I would hang out with a certain group of people, adopt some of their qualities (without ever changing the core of who I was), and successfully escape from my (as I saw it) pitiful self. Each phase had the same ending. After distracting myself from my real emotions for a certain amount of time, they would inevitably start back up when I became comfortable with the group and my new identity. That was when I knew it was time to move on to the next phase. Although I am not as bad as I once was, I still have phase-like tendencies. As soon as distractions wear off or things start getting too real, I’m out. There is nothing worse than confronting your anxiety face-to-face and not being able to rise above it. I know this because it happened twice in college and I became so weak and mentally exhausted that I had to withdraw both times.

This is why I am choosing to share my thoughts and feelings from now on. Well, at least the ones that I am okay with sharing to the mass.  They may not be worthy of a million dollar screenplay but they are worthy of something. I am entitled to my feelings, no matter how silly or unjustified I think they are, and so are you. Viewing my feelings as validated is going to be a long, painful journey and I am ready to pack my bags and get moving. Self-worth is in my future. 

Girls in the Bathroom

Let's talk bathroom.

Girl bathroom.

Girl bathroom with only 3 stalls, bathroom.

So here is the thing; There is only 1 bathroom with 3 stalls at the place I work. 80% of the time you can do your business and leave without encountering anyone. It is the other 20% of the time that I would like to focus on today.

I present to you a list of ways to avoid awkward small bathroom situations:

Situation 1: The Double entrance I am a firm believer in personal space and the respect that goes along with it. For instance, If I am walking towards the bathroom and see another woman approaching the door, I quickly state that I forgot something and make a 180 in the other direction. I then linger around the bathroom zone pretending to be looking at things until the other woman emerges. She nods at me, I nod back. We both know what happened but there is no need to talk about. We just shared the bathroom bond. We will always have that connection.

Situation 2: Entering when someone else is already in If you hear a flush upon arrival, you are in safe water. That person is going to wash their hands (hopefully) and be out before it's your time to shine. Carry-on. If, however, the other person is still in a stall by the time you are aptly situated in your stall, you need to move as quickly as possible and get out of there so the other woman can finish her business in peace. This is especially true if there is dead silence in the bathroom. The other woman is secretly loathing your existence from the other stall and is repeatedly telling you to "get out" in her head. The moment she hears your toilet flush, a huge feeling of relief will come over her. Good job. You have successfully left the bathroom without revealing neither your nor her identity.

Situation 3: Someone enters when you are in the stall Do not panic! There are 2 options for this. (1) The flush and run and (2) The Sit and Wait Approach.

The Flush and Run is your best option. As soon as you hear the other woman close the stall door, flush and then speed-walk to the sink to wash your hands. Don't bother drying them, you have clothes for that. Run out as quickly as possible.

Sometimes the Flush and Run is not an option. That is when the Sit and Wait Approach comes in handy.
The Sit and Wait Approach is exactly as it sounds. You sit and wait for that person to leave. If you feel silly doing that you can either (a) play with the toilet paper roll as loudly as possibly as to distract that person from realizing you have been sitting there for a while. They will clearly just think that you have a defective roll and it is taking you a while to get the allotted amount of toilet paper needed or (b) play with the feminine hygiene box (please use toilet paper as a buffer between your fingers and the lid). This is my personal favorite. I like to open the box (as loudly as possible so the other woman can hear my noise and think "Oh! She is on her period. No wonder she has been in here for a while. That is not weird at all." Extra bonus if you alternate between the box and the toilet paper roll. This buys you more time. Given, the other woman won't know what the hell you're doing but you will feel much better about yourself while creating some hypothetical situation as to why you would be doing what you are doing.

Now that you know the proper small bathroom etiquette, please use it accordingly. Women everywhere will be grateful for the avoidance of the awkward hand wash at the sink in which no one ever knows what to say. All will be at peace.

a new year, a new resolution to break.

In effort to shut up my ever-so-prevalent subconscious, I have decided to set a realistic resolution for the new year.  I'm pretty sure if I don't follow through with my goal this year, my subconscious will tell me it's going out for ice cream and never come back. This year, in effort to make my life nothing like it currently is, I have decided to set 12 different goals to accomplish each month. I've tried the whole "1 thing" resolution before..."Go on a date", "don't have something emerging from your teeth at least once a week", "don't laugh to fill silent voids after someone tells you something personal and serious"...it never works. It never works because I don't have a deadline! Like, am I supposed to begin with my goal starting Jan 1st and continue all the way through death? That is a lot of pressure! What if I fail? Then what? My simple new year's resolution becomes a snarling beast that eats at my self worth reminding me that I can never follow through with anything. That is too much to face at the beginning of every year. No wonder my year always starts off with panic.  NOT THIS YEAR, BEAST! I will create an opera-singing mob not unlike the one in Beauty and the Beast to crush you!!! I will accomplish my goal this year because i have a realistic time frame and 12 chances to prove to myself that i am worthy of setting and following through with goals! 2012 is my year. Not yours. I plan to keep it that way.